I’m back. And I’m about to openly honest which is terrifying but I feel like it’s time I be that. Open. Honest. This blog was supposed to be an outlet for me. It was supposed to help me find my voice and teach me how to make the changes I needed to make in my life. But I quit after 2 posts.
The sad thing is this is standard Heather. I usually stop myself from continuing what it is that I want to accomplish for countless of reasons but mainly out of fear of the unknown and out of fear of failing. “Heather, how can you fail when it’s your blog?” That question has bounced around my head countless of times. The only answer I have is because I don’t know how to handle me. I have been told many times how I react before thinking. How let others dictate what I feel or think. How I just wait for someone to tell me to do something. I’ve realized over the past couple months (and specifically the past couple weeks) that this is how I handle me. I just don’t do anything. It’s safer.
It’s safer for me to keep living with what I know and I’ll know how to handle it. It’s safer to act like nothing is wrong and how I’m acting wouldn’t affect people. But I know that’s not real life. I’m sure there is some hidden reason as to why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because my life didn’t turn out the way I envisioned in the slightest. It could be because I never dealt with my feelings the correct way when I had them. Eventually, I should probably figure this out but for now, I need start making the changes on my own. And most importantly, I need to learn when to do something. When to be proactive. When to be helpful. When to be calm. When to be spontaneous. And most of all, when to listen.
Sitting here, it is all to real on knowing how being reactionary can hurt not only my growth, but the growth of people around me. I recently got a reminder that my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. 10 YEARS. And to be honest, I feel like I don’t have anything to show for those 10 years. I feel like I am in a similar headspace that I won’t let myself get out of and it’s scary. But what’s scarier, is seeing how my behavior is affecting the relationships I hold so close to me. The reality that I have control over this is both empowering and terrifying.
I know what I have to do. I know I need to calm down. I know I need to think things through. I know everything isn’t as bad as I make them up to be in my head. But it’s when actual things happen, that I don’t have control over, that I panic and revert back to me.
I need to become dedicated to learning who I am. I need to become dedicated to changing and most of all progressing.
So – part of my plan is blogging. Being honest with what I am going through and fixing what I KNOW needs to be fixed. It won’t happen over night. But it can happen day to day by making the changes I need to make. I want this blog to keep me accountable. I want to prove my current freaked-out-self wrong and be the person I know I can be.
Here’s to progress. Here’s to using this blog as a way to figure all of this out. Here’s to knowing when to make that first meaningful step and following through.