This is the fourth time I’ve tried writing this blog post. Each time I’ve written it, I’ve realized that admitting that you are having a hard time being an adult is not easy. It’s not easy admitting you don’t have it together like your friends on Facebook or like the people you see on TV. It’s definitely not easy admitting it to yourself. I’m not sure if it’s the fear of failing or the unknown of the future but, it overwhelms me to a point that I am not proud of. I often find myself unsure of what I want to become and wonder how I will figure it out. Is it bad that I haven’t discovered this part of me yet? Or this a part of being an adult…being aware of how you feel and doing something about?
Fun fact about me: Being aware of how I feel and doing something about are not things I am good at. I tend to lock up both of these actions and pretend that they don’t exist. Probably not the mature thing to do but it’s the truth. It’s also the truth that I put on a happy front so people don’t see how all over the place I am feeling inside. Is that normal? There are some days, I just want to be ‘normal’ and not be afraid to do something different (i.e. new career, going back to school, dating someone outside of my comfort zone, moving to a different city alone…). I have thought about all of these things. Even have put some of them in motion (slowly). But, I always end up with the thought…are you sure you want to do this? Is this the ‘adult’ thing to do or are you running?
To be honest – I don’t know. I feel like my definition of how to be an adult is different from others and that thought is scary because I automatically think it is wrong. But, in hindsight, it’s probably correct. Everyone has different motivations and goals that make them who they are. Everyone also has a fear of failing. But why am I so scared? It could be that I want to make sure the people around me are comfortable with my decision. It could be that I put too much value in what other people have to say that I end up doing whatever they tell me to. It could also be that I am just think to much that I get in my own way. No one said life was going to be easy…but they did say to love yourself. For so long, I’ve trusted other people with my life that I’ve learned not to trust myself. It’s time to take that back. Sure people won’t be happy and will get mad at the things I do but I have to know what I can do by actually doing it and not just talking about it. Maybe that’s what being an adult is. Navigating through life and being self-aware. Perhaps, instead of seeing failure as a negative, see it as one less unknown I know about myself (I should put this on my bathroom mirror so I can see it everyday and not forget.)…as in one step closer to finding me as a person.
It’s been weighing heavy on me lately on how I want more for me. I want to travel. I want to learn more from people. I want to get lost in figuring out who I am. And that can only be accomplished by living my most on honest life. By worrying about what others would do in my shoes would only add to the problem. Actually doing the right thing by me, is what will help me discover that adult I’m trying to find. Just like Dr. Seuss said “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go….Oh the places you’ll go, today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so…get on your way!”
🙂 – H